Can you quiet quit members of your family ? Or maybe we’re not, maybe it was just one coffee before she quiet quits me again. I don’t hold it against her at all, I was a jerk back then, and now we’re fine. I write this straight after a coffee with someone who quiet quit me 25 years ago.
I don’t hold it against her, I was a jerk back then I write this after a coffee with someone who quiet-quit me 25 years ago. “You have to be brave.” Try to do the kindest thing – this means communicating, not ghosting. What Annie Duke, author of Quit: The Power of Knowing When to Walk Away, says of the workplace – “you have to have the conversation about how your job isn’t aligning with your values, so that your employer can address that” – is also true of intimate relationships. You don’t want to ghost them, since that almost invites confrontation, but you’d like to radically reduce their expectations of you. Instead of seeing each other once a fortnight, you’d be up for something more like a dental schedule: once every six months, infinitely postponable. “If the cost of constantly subjugating your own desires is that you’re constantly pissed off, then that’s not a small cost.” Can you quiet quit a friendship?įriendship is a classic candidate, since you often don’t want an abrupt confrontation, you just want to dial it down. “In therapy, I always come back to ‘What’s the risk if you do something, versus the risk if you don’t?’,” Seeber says. Having said that, don’t be afraid of “I want”. Don’t say “I need” when you mean “I want”. Saying “I would prefer to go to the cinema on my own than spend one more evening discussing your problematic parents” is too absolute to be interpreted any other way than uncaring. If you suddenly change your behaviour without communication, that’s not quiet, that’s stealth. She says: “If you spend all your time with your partner, and you suddenly realise it’s quite suffocating, you don’t just announce that.” Look into what has changed: is it you? Is it the relationship? “Are you talking about the end of the honeymoon period, or are you talking about 15 years of marriage and you’re bored?”Īlways communicate your thinking, which sounds like the opposite of quiet quitting, but doesn’t have to be. Claire Seeber is a Gestalt therapist, “which is about looking at patterns that we get into, what we call ‘fixed gestalt’ – rigid patterns of behaviour”. If, however, you suddenly want to go to the gym every night, or spend all weekend with your mates, having previously been spending that time together, the outcome is unlikely to be positive. This could include reworking the map of the domestic terrain, but that would be unlikely to pose a threat to your relationship.
Essentially, it would be redrawing the boundaries of your union to include more time for yourself and less absorption of your spouse’s emotional baggage. If you said that in a relationship – “I want you to meet my stated needs, but also guess at other, potentially limitless, needs and meet those too” – you’d be called controlling and abusive, or at the very least, a bit of a handful.īut is there some wisdom in the idea of quiet quitting, applied to other parts of life? Can you quiet quit your relationship?įigure out what a marital work-to-rule would actually look like. The love-your-work culture has become so dominant that “going above and beyond” is now often in the job description (recently abbreviated to “passionate”), which is ridiculous. I reject the concept, from a workplace perspective: it merely means doing what you’re contractually required to do.
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